05/19/2012
Today my mom force to eat again. I’m a vegetarian so she couldn’t make me eat the meat… She put a dish filled with cucumbers (my favorite food) and I thought that was all. When I finished them all, she put this HUGE bowl filled with fries infront of me and told me “you don’t get up off the table if you don’t eat them”. Luckily my brothers wanted too, so I ate just 20, the tiniest ones and I spent a lot of time chewing them and every time I had to swallow, I’d drink water after. When I finished eating 20, my mom forced me to eat more, so I put 10 little fries in my mount and start chewing and pretending I was enjoying it, when it was practically thick liquid, I covertly spit it in the glass I was drinking water from and got up off the table to throw it really fast so they wont notice…
Also, my brother called me fat and also made a joke about me not knowing how to be on a diet… I don’t blame him, he clearly says what he sees.
Is funny…
Sometimes, or maybe all the time, I spent hours watching videos of people with ED, how they interview them, or how “specialist” talk about it as if we didn’t know what is going on.
I have an ED, I may not look like I have, but I do since a long time ago. I see this programs about ED, they are supposed to tell you what we do in order for them to help us, but they don’t know anything at all, it surprises me the lack of knowledge they have considering the fact that they call themselves specialist.
The other day I saw this interview of a girl that was anorexic, the man interviewing her asked her if she knew the consequences of falling into the “trap of being anorexic”, if she knew what that meant and what she could’ve damaged if she’d continued. She stayed quiet, intelligently, I would have too. It was a ridiculous question. WE KNOW; we know exactly what we’re getting into, we know exactly when we need to eat and when we don’t, we know how to get on a day without eating and yes, survive… Is not that hard. We know every single detail, I could even tell that we know more than all those “doctor” out there.
They don’t know anything…
Today, I’m starting my blog diary… 05/19/2012
When I was 6 my mom used to force with eating because I would refuse to eat; I didn’t like food at all. Perhaps it was just me being silly and trying to get my mom mad, but today I realized were did all came from… My best friends were, and still are, two beautiful and skinny blondes that everybody loves and fancies, since we were little all the boys were always chasing them and asking me to help them with one of them; of course I didn’t know this caused my lack of self-esteem, nor my negativism, but now I finally understand. I’ve always been the one left apart, the one nobody notices, nobody cares about, I’m even use to it, if you could tell.
When I look at myself in the mirror I can’t never explain the deception it causes me. I’ve seen photos of my mom when she was my age and she was so pretty and skinny, she had millions of boys that were madly in love with her, people use to think she was a model, or a miss. I’ve looked for pictures of all my family, they were all so pretty… And then, there’s me. So, when I started thinking more deep about life, perhaps when I was 9 or 10, I seemed to be so lost and confused… I know I can’t change my face, it is what it is, so I might as well have a nice body, because my personality doesn’t help that much either. I tried to not eat since I was that age, that young. I didn’t know I was trying or falling into this lifestyle. Then when I realized what was happen I started investigating farther, looking for blogs and answers.
Sometimes I look back and I think what would’ve happened if I had other friends? I I’d been in other school… Would I have confident? Would I love myself?… I don’t know, perhaps yes, perhaps no. I’ll never know. I don’t even know what I’m doing now, I’m sure nobody cares, nobody would even stop to see what I wrote, but I need to write about it, it may seem irrelevant, it may not be a huge problem compared to some others, but I just need to get it out.
